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The patriarchy is a load of shit and it’s time to dismantle it.
I’m saying this from my perch of privilege and you’re probably rolling your eyes. “Someone shut this white guy up.” “Matt, it is not your time to speak, here.” “Man, you better be quiet before you put your foot in your mouth.”
All accurate responses. I’m a hetero-white male, born into the privilege of being within the patriarchy. But, I’m also unhappy with what all of us hetero-white males have created. It’s harming men, and therefore the world, as a whole.
So how can we, as hetero-white men, change the patriarchy that we created? The answer isn’t out in the world, it is within.
It’s time to FEEL your fucking feelings. Yep, that’s right. Sit with them and notice them. Don’t stifle them, hold onto them, and be Mr. Tough Guy. No one wants that. It’s hurting the world. It’s time to apologize, be accountable, and be teachable. This is how we fight the patriarchy while also being in the patriarchy and changing the world for the better.
Without a doubt there is the paradox of men not expressing their emotions, creating seclusion of their minds, and not letting those around them in. What further fuels this isolation narrative is the patriarchy! Men feel as if they do not have the right to express their feelings because it isn’t their time. If we’re being truthful, it isn’t the time for white men to get up on their pedestals and shout to the world, LOOK AT ME! So, men push further into themselves. That means the only solution here is to work from within.
There’s a way to bring this idea of white men forward with their mental health while also being inclusive and understanding. There are so many white men out there that really are in pain and feel they can’t acknowledge it. It is time to acknowledge your mental health. Are you struggling? Do you need coping mechanisms? What would help you live a better life? Seek the answers to those questions and then follow through with actions.
Over 6 million men suffer from depression each year and it often goes undiagnosed because we can display different symptoms than women. We may not have feelings of sadness and worthlessness, although some do, and we can be exhausted, uninterested, and easy to anger.
More than four times as many men die of suicide when compared to women and it is the seventh leading cause of death for men. Men are also much less likely to seek intervention due to their reluctance to talk and their worry about social norms. Factors such as substance abuse, military-related trauma, unemployment, genetics, other mood disorders, and social isolation attribute to these disparaging statistics.
The patriarchy is the creator of these social norms, among a large number of other social problems, and therefore the isolation. We must work from within to dismantle both of these issues.
Make it the norm to practice self-care. Most self-care marketing is geared toward women, and that’s understandable, but men need to take care of themselves too. What would this look like for you? I attend a weekly men’s group that focuses on breathwork and meditation. I am able to clear and calm my mind while being among other men that are walking a similar path. This men’s group allows me to turn inward and focus on myself while simultaneously bringing me out of my isolation.
Intentional solo time can also be an answer to your self-care dilemma. The key is it must be intentional, not lackadaisical. Get physically active and sweat it out. Focus on your self-hygiene by shaving, showering, getting a haircut, and dressing well. Take pride in working on yourself and watch what changes in how you present yourself to others.
It is okay to put yourself, your hetero-male, white self, first if you are struggling. The first step in putting yourself first is turning inward and acknowledging where you are struggling and what you need to do in order to become better.
Men, you are allowed to have feelings and show them. Think of the change in the world that would happen if we deconstruct the patriarchy we helped create. I foresee a better world for our sons and daughters, wives, and ourselves if we begin our inward journey today.
